Just when I thought I’m almost at the top of the mountain, I make a false move: stepped on the wrong rock and now another downfall. Business is great, work is great, but family? Not so great. With our doomed economy, holding on to a job is probably the most important thing that matters to families right now. And right now, I feel like I need to take over the responsibility of making things work for my family. You can probably guess what I’m saying here by now. Well, you should because it’ll take me a day or two to write down details like nervous breakdown, operation, eye problems, relative problems, etc…so let’s not get into that.

Anyway, as the panganay (eldest) left in Toronto with no relatives or whatsoever for the past 5 years, I’ve learned to cope up with the things around me. I always tell myself that “yeah you have to do it or else it’s over. Everyone is looking at you so don’t fail!” Yes, I have to do it. Whatever it takes I must reach my goals. I must work hard. This is what got me started on my business in the first place. Without asking my parents a single dime, I worked my way to get to where I am now. This whole chunk of pressure on me pushed me to do better. But somehow it’s not enough. I feel like I could have done more. I’m facing a huge dilemma right now and I’m starting to realize all the time I wasted getting…well…wasted… could all have been put to something more productive. If only I had known. If only I had prepared myself for this then things would be a lot lighter today.

Whatever will happen tomorrow, the day after, the week after, will happen and there’s no doubt I must face these days with my head up high. I’m a fighter. Physically, emotionally and mentally. But no matter how much of a fighter I am, if  life goes behind my back, it’s over. The only thing that I must keep in mind is that I have to take the blow and stand on my own two feet. I must. Because that’s the only thing I can do.

Memories (Smiling Tears) by Tasha

A good song about living in fear, hell on earth, uncertainty, and a bunch of other depressing thoughts.

I had a classmate when I was in grade 5. I don’t remember much about her because we never really talked, but I just know I only call her by her last name.  I believe I was 12 at that time. I’m 24 now and in the middle of my groggy morning at work, I received a friend request from my facebook. At first I couldn’t seem to remember the name and even the photo, but I eventually realized who she was. We had a wall to wall conversation for a bit and finally decided to IM each other. We talked for hours and hours telling each other our life stories and each story we tell just worked out so well for the both of us. Talking to her reminded me of myself back in the days when I was struggling with my own life, alone - literally. It came to a point that even with all the laughter we had she ended up crying in front of the her webcam. I understand how that feels. That feeling of abundance. She told me that this morning she couldn’t even talk to anyone because there’s just nobody to talk to. Everyone’s doing their own business. It reminded me of that time when I was depressed and the people who I thought would be there weren’t.  Life in abroad is hard especially when you have no one, not even a single relative around. I know because I’ve been there and  now she’s going through the same thing. Struggling to survive so just she could follow her goals.

It was interesting to hear her train of thoughts and it was even more interesting to see that we always agree on everything. It almost felt like an endless conversation with no pauses or “thinking-of-what-to-reply” moments. I felt at ease not because of her struggles but because there’s someone out there who really knows how it was like to live such a life. And I felt like I could do something about it. I can help.

I’m excited to see her cope up. I’m interested to see how she will grow while pursuing her dreams. I have great hopes that she will surpass the obstacles in front of her and  i’m sure she will. Her strong personality really told me so. If I made it out without relying on anyone I’m sure she could do the same. I told her that I’ll do my best to help. I told her if you feel like crying then cry. Don’t bottle up your emotions. Tomorrow will be better, I swear!

I thought I was fine but I realized I’m not. It recently occurred to me how absent-minded I’ve become after almost using my mousse as my toothpaste this morning. It took me a moment to realize that I was doing something wrong. I was hoping it was just the early morning grogginess but unfortunately it wasn’t. While walking to work, I passed by a series of glass wall. I saw my reflection and I had to stop walking for a moment. I wasn’t even aware that I was literally hunched back and dragging my legs to walk. It was painstakingly annoying to see myself in such a state. I’m not sure what’s happening to me lately. I feel normal yet I know I’m not. I’m starting to notice that sometimes I don’t even know what I’m saying. I would say a word but it’s what I really wanted to say. When I read emails I would just scrub through them without even understanding what it was about. Last night, I was writing a proposal for my client and after finishing the writeup I ended up submitting the email to my dad. I only realized it few hours later.

Tonight, I need 16 hours to finish a website project that came in last night. It’s 4:40pm. Do the math. I’m going home to work… Again.